The Death Eatery
by nony0mous
Summary: Welcome to the Death Eatery! May I take your order? May I suggest your order a Basilisk Burger? Ronald Weasley is...


**Welcome!**

**This is the part where I usually come up with some DIABOLICAL ways to say that I don't own Harry Potter.**

**So what way shall I use?**

**Does anyone want to sell me a disclaimer?**

**No?**

**What if I bribed you – I mean gave you a reward – for giving me a disclaimer?**

"**What kind of reward, nony0mous?"**

**Well – um – how about I payed you -50 dollars?**

**Emphasis on the negative sign.**

**Ooh, what if I made a huge neon sign that said "NONY0MOUS DOES NOT OWN HARRY POTTER"?**

**I think that would work, but I can't find a place to put it.**

**Let's hack into ...**

**Okay – password.**

**12345**

**That's not it.**

**Let's try...**

**AAAAA**

**Still not it.**

**AAAAC**

**Also not it.**

**Wait, didn't we miss AAAAB?**

**We should be writing these down.**

**Oh, so now you're angry that I'm stealing these codes from someplace?**

**Well, you'll never find out where I stole it from.**

"**~-~-~-~-~-~"**

**You're right.**

**:(**

**I hate it when people are right.**

**You know what, I'm just going to go write the story now...**

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><p>It was a beautiful day out, so of course everyone in the wizarding world was spending it inside.<p>

Some crazy people, however, decided to take a little walk, and a few of those crazy people decided to stop at the new restaurant that just opened. It was called The Death Eatery and, with a name like that, must offer stellar food.

The first customer to visit this Death Eatery went by the name of Ronald Weasley, and he deserved that name very much. His stomach was growling, and he needed something to eat. And then he saw this new place that just opened up, and after tweeting about it, went inside.

He looked at the menu and saw this:

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><p><em>Horcrux Hot Dog … 4 Sickles<em>

_Basilisk Burger … 6 Sickles_

_Fiendfyre Fries … 2 Sickles 9 Knuts_

_Crucio Chicken Nuggets … 3 Knuts_

_Slytherin Sandwich … 3 Sickles 2 Knuts_

_Dark Mark Milkshake … 2 Sickles_

_Cursed Coke … 1 Sickle 10 Knuts_

_Souls … 2 Galleons_

_Philosopher's Pickle … NOT FOR SALE_

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><p><em>With a menu like that,<em> thought Ron, _this must be a fantastic restaurant!_

He rang the bell on the counter and was pleasantly surprised to see a waiter show up at the counter immediately.

"Hello, Ronald, I am Not-Lucius-Malfoy, and I will be your waiter today," said the waiter, who looked oddly like Lucius Malfoy.

Ron was not easily fooled. "Haven't I seen you somewhere?" he asked.

The waiter, Not-Lucius-Malfoy, cocked his head. "You know, I think I ran into you at the supermarket the other day!"

"Ah! I knew I've seen you before, but I just couldn't place my tongue on it. Speaking of putting my tongue on something, could I order a Horcrux Hot Dog?"

"Right away, Mr. Ronald Weasley."

Ron never bothered asking how Not-Lucius-Malfoy knew his name.

Almost instantaneously – almost like it was made by house elves – a Horcrux Hot Dog appeared on the plate. Ron began to chow down and sat back satisfied. Then he burped for the waiter.

"Excuse me, Not-Lucius-Malfoy! Could I please send my compliments to the chef?"

"The chef is busy right now, but you could meet our fantastic manager, Mr. Vol deMort."

Vol deMort glided over to the table.  
>"Hello, Ronald," he said with a grin on his face.<p>

Ron suddenly realized that he had never told deMort his name. "How'd you know my name?"

"I hath telekinesis!"

Ron gasped. "But don't you have to be tele-pathetic or something in order to read minds?"

Voldemort ignored him. Then he spoke.

"And yes, Ron, I _have _seen you before. At the supermarket."

"You read my mind again!"

"Yes, I have a tendency to do that, as I hath telekinesis, you see."

Ron frowned. "Well, I was wondering, Vol, what you put into these Horcrux Hot Dogs? They tasted so amazingly... dark, I just couldn't imagine what you've done to make them so."

"What's the secret ingredient in the Horcrux Hot Dogs? Do you actually think I'd tell you?"

"Yes."

"You're right. Well, the secret ingredient... is Horcruxes."

Ron gasped again.

"But now, I'm afraid we come to the matter of your bill."

Ron blinked. "Bill can't come today. He just got bitten by a werewolf. Can you imagine that Voldemort would ever let a werewolf go wild like that?"

"No," said Vol deMort, "I don't think I could ever imagine that. But we still need you to pay the bill. That's four Sickles, plus tax."

"I'm sorry, but I thought, considering this was the grand opening, that I would be given free food! Nobody told me that I'd actually have to _pay_! You people offer terrible service. I'm out of here!"

And off he wentwithout paying.

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><p><strong>Hmm. If this gets popular, then I might make some more chapters.<strong>

**Maybe.**

**For now, just review, and if I get enough reviews and/or Story Alerts, I'll consider making another episode.**


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